Thoughts & Feels

Love is brave. You are not.

Sometimes I feel like Severus Snape with his tragic unrequited love for Lily Potter. Except we’re (unfortunately) not wizards and you used to love me back.

You didn’t used to be so afraid of disappointment. You thought we were worth the effort, until you changed the playing field and simply gave up.

The part of me that I’m not proud of still hopes to hear from you. Hopes that you’re plotting how to get me back. Hopes that you never stopped loving me.

But the realistic part of me knows that you are selfish and that you’re a coward. That cowardice runs deeper than I ever realized while we were together–and I don’t respect that.

Love is brave…so, I guess you didn’t really love me. Otherwise you would have figured out how to keep me in your life. I wouldn’t have been the only one trying to make things work.

I do have to say thank you though. I wouldn’t be starting this new chapter if it weren’t for my own brave pursuit of what I thought we could have been. And even though you won’t be part of this next chapter, maybe especially since you won’t be involved, I know it’s going to be one of spectacular transformation and growth.

So, thanks for giving up on me. It pushed me further.

P.S. I am likely well rid of you, but I’m keeping your damn socks.

 

Those moments when…

You feel most alive. When your soul is leaping from your skin. When you feel like you can take on the world and be the very best version of yourself. When you escape the confines of your brain and become all heart.

Those moments are so damn special.

I made the decision to actually go out to see a band I’d never heard of last night. And it was the best decision I’ve made in a while. Magic Giant, you’re doing it right. You guys are pure positive energy. Keep doing what you’re doing. Thanks for coming to Buffalo and thanks Leanne, if you’re reading this, for bringing me along!

I’m guilty of listening to whatever is easy, whatever the radio feeds me. There’s a comfort and laziness in that so I appreciate friends that introduce me to new music I wouldn’t seek out on my own.

Magic Giant, you’re a keeper.

Grit & Grace

I’ve been in this really good mental place lately and I hope it sticks around for a while after the ever present anger, confusion, and sadness of the last six months. It’s been a nice break. I feel more like me. Back to appreciating the small magic in mundane moments. I don’t know where my life is going or what changes the next few months will bring, but right now I’m feeling really grateful for the moment I’m in, even the less than ideal parts.

The boyfriend situation continues to be complicated, but I think this time apart right now is important. It’s just a feeling, but I think it will impact us in some big way down the road, whether we end up together or ultimately decide to let each other go. It’s hard going from living together and everything being awesome to only seeing each other once in a while. The ache is real. But I’m trying to put my trust in the universe.

The job is…weird. I’ve come a long way in 2.5 years. I am so, so grateful for some of the opportunities I’ve had and the relationships I’ve built, but there are days when I hate what I’m doing, hate being there, can’t see the worth in what we’re doing. I’m sure that’s just a reality of working as an adult, but I can’t help but wonder if I could do something more worthwhile with my life. And working 8:30-5, five days a week is never going to feel normal. My heart and my brain rebel against such strict structure. But, like most worthwhile things in life, it comes down to the people and I have a whole team of people that I love and respect and have grown with in some mildly dysfunctional ways.

110 Proof is doing better than I ever thought it would and I have my dad to thank for the latest opportunity that fell into my lap. I am editing a book, maybe several even, for a student he had over 20 years ago. This was my long-term goal. Editing a book was the dream. And now it’s my reality! Sometimes the world really does give you what you need.

I’ve been feeling strong. Physically. Mentally. Feeling very in tune with myself. This is often best reflected in my clothing choices during the week. I just love when an outfit perfectly expresses who I am or want to be on any given day. There is a small power in that and in the confidence it brings. This is me. Take note. And from my experience, people do take note.

I just ordered Mark Manson’s book, The subtle art of not giving a f*ck, a deck of tarot cards, and a vintage blouse from Australia. I’m trying to commit to taking a trip, but I hate planning ahead and I can’t decide if I want to do Utah/California, Ireland, or let my friends talk me into splurging on getting to Thailand. Right now I’m in that delicious stage where anything is possible. As I said earlier, who knows what the next few months will bring?

I rode a roller coaster to work today…

An emotional roller coaster that is. My iPod had me laughing and crying during my 20 minute drive. With the music on shuffle (and a few skips for good measure) here was this morning’s playlist:

Significance: This song was introduced to me by my old neighbors and best friends growing up. They moved to Texas a while ago, but the song never fails to remind me of our friendship and impromptu living room/basement/garage/backyard concerts.
Mood: Pleasantly nostalgic
Significance: I probably haven’t listened to this song since high school and man, is it emo. I found the lyrics to be particularly tickling this morning. “Please understand this isn’t just goodbye, this is I can’t stand you.”
Mood: Subdued hilarity
Significance: I just think this song is cute.
Mood: Happy
Significance: This song brings me right back to sophomore year cross country with some of the best people I’ve ever known having some of the best, most ridiculous times I’ve ever had.
Mood: Decidedly gangster
Significance: Queue the tears. Ugh. I sang this song at my high school graduation and it never fails to tug on the ol’ heartstrings. It always feels relevant and for some reason it hit me especially hard this morning, in the best way.
Mood: Poignant
Significance: Ed, thanks for leveling out my emotions this morning. This helped me pull myself together. Plus, I just love this song.
Mood: Grateful and spunky

This past weekend…

I was at a rooftop bar with my friend. While we were waiting to order our drinks, this girl started chatting us up.

She had come from Fredonia to meet up for drinks with some guy who was currently at a wedding. I don’t have the details, but my hunch is that they hadn’t met before. Probably an online dating or tinder kind of situation.

We were discussing how neither one of us knew enough about wine to know what we were ordering so she got a cocktail while I admitted I had done some research before hand so I could pick something I’d hopefully want to drink (which, mission accomplished).

But after we got our drinks and were heading to sit down, under my breath I asked my friend if I should ask the girl to join us and she said no. Now, I asked because I knew it would make my friend uncomfortable because she’s shy around new people. But days later, I feel bad that I didn’t. That girl stood at the bar by herself for over an hour.

Missed opportunity to be kind and potentially make a new friend. Plus, I wonder how her date went. I hope it was worth the drive.

I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older that I’m less open to new people. It used to be the most natural thing in the world to start a conversation and be inclusive towards others. But now it feels like too much work.

What if we have nothing to talk about after ten minutes and it’s awkward? Maybe she’s happy chilling at the bar by herself and wants to be left alone. But I could have at least extended the offer to include her.

So, I’d like to send an apology out into the void for not being as friendly as I could have been and I hope that I choose to be more open the next time an opportunity like that arises.

The year of perspective

Here we are, three weeks into 2017 and I’ve already learned a pretty major lesson. Or, perhaps had a change in perspective is more accurate.

This isn’t particularly mind blowing and it’s certainly not a new concept, but it’s one that I have always struggled with.

Finish what you start. Who cares how long it takes? 

It’s that ending question that finally unlocked something in my mind. How many things have I decided not to attempt because I thought it would take too long? How many half-finished projects are cluttering my life?

So what if it takes years to build a business? What does it matter that it’ll take months to save enough money for that trip? This is my one and only life and if I want it bad enough I just have to get after it.

I do believe that not everything we choose to start deserves to be finished, but it’s no longer acceptable for that to be my default. It’s a matter of defining priorities, something I admittedly struggle with.

This concept can be applied to so many areas of my life. Whether it be committing to finishing 3 sets @ 30 reps while exercising, completing a new craft project, or getting my proofreading business off the ground. Who cares how long it takes?

This is my life after all. No one can live it for me and I damn well want to get the most out of life that I can. I will not be another person that just accepts the status quo of “this is as good as it gets.”

No. I’m just getting started.