Reflections after a Break

Am I looking for fulfillment in the wrong places?

I’ve always prioritized my career goals over my relationships. It’s just how I’m wired. It’s hard for me to see beyond my responsibilities. I have to work and I want to do good, important work. But, I don’t know if I’ll ever reach a point of true contentment. Which is good for growth, but that just sounds exhausting. I don’t always want to be working toward what’s next. I want to be content to exist in the moment.

We live in a society where it’s expected that we grow up, become a working citizen, get married, reproduce, raise kids, retire, and die.

Obviously there’s a lot of living that happens between those stages, but that’s the gist. And I don’t know if I want to live that kind of life.

I struggle to envision myself being married. I have trouble trusting that a relationship will stand the test of time. Do I even want it to? I crave time alone. I am selfish with what I’m willing to give of myself. I can’t imagine ever having children, in bringing them into the madness of the world, of raising them, loving them, putting their needs ahead of my own.

Love is a gamble, and I’m not a gambler. The stakes are too high.

I had a fortune cookie once that told me something along the lines of playing it safe is the most dangerous thing in the world. I don’t know if I’m playing it safe, or if I’m just meant to follow a different path.

I need to know that I can become all that I can be and I don’t know if I can do that if I have to compromise my existence to include another. Part of me wants to, maybe someday I’ll reach that point of maturity. But, right now I have to bet on myself or I think I’ll regret it the rest of my life.

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